From Bongs to Bungs: The Matthew McConaughey Story

I’ve never been a huge Matthew McConaughey fan. I know he’s supposed to be one of the sexiest men alive but I think he has the sex appeal of a pile of old clams.

Sure his abs are rock hard and his work in Reign of Fire was visionary, but I think he looks like he ate a lot of rat poison as a small baby and never learned how to read.

“What are all those squiggly lines for?”


Take, for example, this quote about…well…I’m not actually sure what it’s about but it’s worth reading:

 “If you can catch eye contact with a mammal, you can buy yourself some time because as another mammal, you can communicate. You can’t trust a reptile… I have dreams about this kind of shit. I don’t want to wrestle any of these things, but I’m just saying, that’s what I’d do if the situation arose where I’m just sitting there and I go, ‘Oh, look there. That grizzly has got my girl and child. How we gonna work this out?’”

I don’t know McConaughey. How are you gonna work this out? Maybe you shouldn’t get stoned and cover your wife and child in honey and then play the Native American bear summoning song Taylor Lautner taught you to play on your bongos.

Although we all enjoyed the weed smoking, percussion pounding antics of 2009 McConaughey, today’s McConaughey (family man, hater of shirts), is going for Oscar gold.

Pictured: A different kind of gold.


He’s dropped 30 pounds for his role in The Dallas Buyer’s Club and will be playing a character that describes as having “full-blown AIDS.” I thought it was politically incorrect to say full-blown AIDS but I also thought that it was ok to call Chinese people ‘Orientals.’ But what do I know?

I know this: McConaughey never met a workout challenge he didn’t like and this new role is no exception. Similar to my college roommate, McConaughey has shed the weight through intense exercise, laxative abuse, and crying hysterically for hours at a time. The result is pretty shocking:

 He’s wearing clothes! I’m fucking shocked.


Do you remember the scene in the small budget, independent art house film Tropic Thunder when Robert Downey Jr. tells Ben Stiller “never go full retard”?

“And never go full black face. Notice how my skin color is somewhere between ‘mixed race’ and ‘Heart of Darkness’? It’s less offensive.”


I think maybe Tom Hanks should have pulled McConaughey aside and said, “Remember Philadelphia? Never go full-blown AIDS.”

“I have AIDS?! Wilson, you fucking son-of-a-bitch!”


Nobody wants to see an AIDS afflicted McConaughey. They want to see their McConaughey topless while running on a beach while discovering pirate treasure while fucking Kate Hudson while taking the law into his owns hands while getting high as fuck.

“Can I smoke this? Alriiiiiight.”


McConaughey needs to stick to the roles that made him famous. Roles that require him to put on 50 pounds of muscle, oil up his triceps, wrap a bandana around his head, kill dragons, and wear temporary tribal tattoos.

Nobody wears a tribal tattoo and leather vest like McConaughey. NOBODY.


I think The Dallas Buyer’s Club is going to be a hot fucking mess, but I’m going to watch it on Starz every time it’s on because damnit, McConaughey deserves our respect. It’s hard being a super rich millionaire.

 ”I finally learned how to write my own name!”-Matt

“Yeah… that’s actually just a drawing of a stick figure with boobs.” -Kate

“Fuck my life is hard.” -Matt


Good luck McConaughey…I’m sure your extensive RomCom training will serve you well as you use your casual Southern charm to make dying of AIDS look disarmingly sexy.

“Full-blown AIDS, ya’ll!”

Final verdict:




Fuck, Marry, or Kill: Seven Psychopaths Edition

First of all, I’m never going to actually watch this movie. This isn’t a movie review. This is our first edition of Fuck, Marry, or Kill—a game where we judge celebrities based on their looks and decide whether we would fuck them senseless, marry them for their money, or murder them.

Based solely off the promotional material for Seven Psychopaths I believe this movie looks terrible. I don’t know what the plot is about but the poster reminds me of Reservoir Dogs or The Usual Suspects, which are two movies I constantly lie about having watched. On to the poster…in order of appearance: