First of all, I’m never going to actually watch this movie. This isn’t a movie review. This is our first edition of Fuck, Marry, or Kill—a game where we judge celebrities based on their looks and decide whether we would fuck them senseless, marry them for their money, or murder them.
Based solely off the promotional material for Seven Psychopaths I believe this movie looks terrible. I don’t know what the plot is about but the poster reminds me of Reservoir Dogs or The Usual Suspects, which are two movies I constantly lie about having watched. On to the poster…in order of appearance:
Christopher Walken: Walken looks like the kind of guy who would open up a great bottle of wine, have his personal chef make you a delicious dinner of roasted squab, and then do really freaky shit to your butt. He is obviously a giant creepy monster, but there’s something raw and sexy about that. His pervy yet sensual eyes say, “I watched Natalie Wood drown” and I bet he’d be down for some fake rape roleplaying followed by an intense cuddle sesh.
Collin Farrell: Farrel is the obvious choice for fuck with those dreamy caterpillar eyebrows and that accent that makes him sound like he has a mouth full of marbles but he doesn’t do it for me. He looks like the kind of guy that would only fuck you in front of a mirror so he could look at himself. While I appreciate that arrogance in the bedroom, I hear that Irish men have tiny leprechaun penises. I hate leprechauns.
Sam Rockwell: If Rockwell was not a famous actor I imagine he would teach 8th grade social studies and drive an old Corolla. He would really love those kids and want to make a difference in their lives. Maybe he’d start a D.A.R.E. chapter at his school. Maybe he would sponsor the debate club and organize a Thanksgiving charity drive. He’s just such a great guy. Our wedding will be in a barn and everyone will drink out of mason jars. Also, he looks like he’d be willing to try out some light bondage.
Tom Waits: The best thing about Tom Waits is the shitty album Scarlett Johansson released of Tom Waits covers.
Woody Harrelson: This is a toss up. His constant weed buzz and desire to eat vegan no-bake cookies would be completely obnoxious. However, he is super rich anddddd has a house in Hawaii. He probably smells like wet hemp sandals but is rumored to be packing serious vegan meat.
Next time on Fuck, Marry, or Kill: the convicts of Con Air.